The New Loo (Ode De Toilette)
We moved to a bungalow with only one loo,
Thinking one was enough for just two.
Two loos are plenty, for one up to six,
But one loo for two puts you in quite a fix.
It left us short tempered, and taken short too,
That blasted bungalow with only one loo.
Deciding against a war of attrition,
We sat down, reviewed and discussed our position.
Having refurbished most rooms in the last year or two,
We decided this year was the year of the loo!
Having thought long and hard, and measured right through,
In the back yard would just have to do,
We measured again, every which way we can,
And then we proceeded to draw up a plan.
Down to the council for planning, no need!
But the building regs, they're quite a different breed.
"Submit your plan Sir, to make your bid.
Oh and by the way Sir, that'll be a hundred quid."
"Good grief that's a lot, it's really too much,
Almost as bad as a kick in the crutch!"
"Not really Sir, there's lots to approve,
All sorts of procedures to get on the move.
We'll need postcards from you, I know it's a bore,
For me to come round and check on the hardcore,
And by the way Sir, even more of a pain,
We'll also do rigorous checks on the drain.
First thing's first though, submit your plan,
And our building surveyors will give it a scan."
We waited a while for approval to come,
When the letter arrived, we were almost struck dumb.
Approval not granted, it simply said,
Listing two items, in the brightest of red,
You've stated the height, and walls perfectly thick,
But please state construction (I do hope it's brick).
The other item, to add I must hasten,
You've made no mention of a wash hand basin.
Also, I venture, if I may be so bold,
We'd like it equipped both with hot and with cold.
For an addition like that, the loo's far too thin,
Even walking sideways, we'll never get in!
We try to stay steady, but begin to panic,
For this turn of events has made us quite manic,
We think and think, oh what can we do?
To widen the inside of our new loo.
It turned out to be a successful think,
Let's recess the wall for an inset sink.
We hastily send off the new revised plan,
Back came the reply - "Of course you can!"
The cost of materials nearly made me flip,
But huge savings were made at the local tip.
A UPVC window, I just couldn't pass,
Only three quid, without any glass,
Two sinks, one cracked (with two super taps),
One nearly new (with two tapless gaps),
One very good toilet, cistern, and lid,
A low level type, and only ten quid.
After some weeks of toil, the loo is complete,
Looking (I'm biased) surprisingly neat.
Standing right here in front of the loo,
To try it out seems like the right thing to do.
There's plenty of room, no hint of a crush,
Just listen to the sweet sound of that flush.
Now my work is done, I hope and I pray,
That it passes the final construction survey.
This version has been slightly polished and edited by the transcriber - see the original documents page for a scanned copy of the handwritten original.